I have a 15 month old English Golden Retriever named Bodhe. He is my My Boo Bear, my Monster, also known as “Hey A$$hole” (my husband’s usual choice), or the Furry Garbage Can. He is my little Prince Joffrey, if you will.* He is our pride and joy and our weapon of mass destruction. My boy has a special talent of destroying the evidence of his kills by ingesting it. All of it.
This includes the squeaker, the stuffing, the thread, the buttons, and even the fuzzy outer shell. My house is a virtual graveyard of dog toys from Christmas’ past.
“This toy is a 10 on the dog-proof toy scale!”
“Oh really?” I say to the apparent heir to Cesar Milan’s dynasty at my local pet supply, “Because the last indestructible toy was drawn, quartered and gutted in the time it took me to throw out the packaging!”
Yeah, so until the thing is actually Honey Badger proof, I am going to stick with the rope toy from Target’s dollar bin.
Bodhe is a medieval master of dismemberment, and it truly is a site to behold. Unlike my little Eskimo dog Tahoe, he has no strategy or finesse. Tahoe is the surgeon and Bodhe, the savage. He tears at his prey with the same tenacity of a kid opening the biggest present under the Christmas Tree. All while happily swallowing the evidence only to show up 24 hours later in the front yard as poop art.
List of conquests:
- Two dog beds- and one hanging on for dear life by duct tape.
- Tuffy Dog (a #9 out of 10 on the indestructible scale) shark, and Ring. Both were destroyed within one hour.
- Single-doggedly committed a genocide of the menagerie of plush toys, including all of Tahoe’s.
- 3 hair clips and countless hair ties
- A kitchen “chip clip” which was discovered as a large chunk of bright blue plastic in his poop art.
- 2 refrigerator magnets (what kind of creature actually eats magnets anyway?)
- A battery…yes, A BATTERY!
- An ink pen
- Book of matches (this morning’s conquest while I took a 3 min shower)
- One tube of Blistex, two Zambeezi lip balms and a $15 tube of Muriad lip gloss
- A partially identified beloved Christmas ornament
- Two welcome mats and the underside of the living room rug
- What can only be described as ” The entire bulb of garlic incident”.
- A Keirig K Cup of Medium roast coffee followed by the longest night of our lives.
- A kitchen corner full of spackling compound to replace the original corner that he ate in the first place)
- An entire roll of toilet paper
- Cement-like mud that had to be hand scraped off the roof of his mouth while on a hike.
- All the leaves that fell of our 2 front yard trees this fall…and I mean every single one of them.
- Various important shopping receipts and the reason I still possess a really stinky lotion from Bath & Body Works.
- A pair of apple ear buds
- Approximately 10 – 40 pairs of socks. Is there a blood test to detect toxic levels of cotton available?
But who’s counting right?
He is never to be trusted. Ever. He spends any unsupervised time in a fortress of metal with two locks to contain his thirst for search and destroy missions. Our game plan to avoid these ingestions includes a daily full security sweep of the house for any suspicious items that would make the secret service look like Keystone Cops. Somehow he always finds a nugget either in the form of a discarded cotton swab or paper clip.
My hope is that one day he will outgrow this obsession and get a hobby like vacuuming (is there a scholarship out there for ultimate fetch?) In the mean time, I would suggest buying stock in a Gold Toe brand socks because I’m predicting a major spike in sales this second quarter.
* this will make total sense to any Game of Thrones fan.