Why the 80’s Ruined My Soccer Career

Ole Ole Ole Ole OOO...Ouch!!!!

Ole Ole Ole Ole OOOOuch!!!!

I am a huge sports fan, but Soccer? Well..not so much. I grew up in the heart of the San Fernando Valley of Los Angeles where weekend games were played on every open patch of grass that was not already occupied by dead cars and bounce houses.

In middle school PE they always had an season dedicated to soccer with the declaration that this was the biggest sport in the world and soon to be HUGE in America and to become more popular than Baseball or (do I even suggest) Football. WHAAAA? Has anyone informed The Chargers of this? I mean before they do something crazy like buy new uniforms or build a new Stadium.

But I wasn’t buying it.

Each day we would dress in our very un-cool PE uniforms so that we were not marked down as “non -suit” and sent to the benches for the hour to contemplate our crimes against 80’s athletic attire.

Nothing says high fashion like a pair of polyester blend shorts you sweat in 5 days a week and was on Sunday!

That’s an actual 1984 Robert Fulton Jr High standard issue right there! AKA: The Dignity Taker.

We would sit on our painted numbers on the asphalt and wait our assignment of which “team” played each other for the next 30 minutes.Right after a proper warm up that consisted of 25 jumping jacks, a reach for our toes (in my case, it was upper shins because I was born with a birth defect known as acute Cement Hamstring Syndrome) and ends with a quick bend to each side. Okay time to score some goals!

Come on, Let's GO!

Let’s GO!

I get into what I assume is the proper formation and start running around. Five minutes in I realize that this is all really a cleverly disguised ploy to make us runs for 30 min.  Back and forth. Back and forth. Never getting to kick the ball. For the love of Pele’ himself,  isn’t the point to be able to kick the damn ball? Guess not, there is just more running. Back. Forth. Back and…(you get the idea.) All the time, I’m eying the kid who got the sweet gig of playing goalie. Not that putting my body in the way of a soccer ball hurling towards me at high speed is making my top ten list of totally radical to do’s, but my point being this: That guy gets to sit around and contemplate which Van Halen t-shirt he wants for his birthday between the VERY FEW moments that the ball is actually making its way into the space that he has sworn to the ADIDAS gods to protect. As I suffer from dehydration from chasing a ball that I have less chance of scoring with than I do an actual member of Duran Duran.

This sport will never take off here in the states…too much work for so little glory.~ My first and last attempt at predicting the future of sports in America.

Blame it on adolescent malaise, but spending the summer chasing that elusive ball in the triple digit heat sounded like even less fun than being seen out in public with my family.

Flash forward to 30 years later and I am surrounded by soccer at every turn in my life.  Exes, friends, foes, even my dog loves his soccer ball. Everyone is a fan. Children are exiled to a life of shame if they are not playing AYSO at age 5, and here I am bored out of my skull. Is it horrible that the only part of soccer that I like is counting how many “One Mississippis” long the announcer will shout “GOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL” and those awesome chants/songs of the rivalrous fans?

So in the spirit of the World Cup and the madness that ensues, I will admit I feel a bit left out of all the online banter between my friends who are 1/16th Italian throwing shade at my other friends who are routing for Team Australia because their favorite movie was Crocodile Dundee as a child.

I have to admit those Matrix-like  butterfly kicks are pretty cool, but how often do those actually happen?

Not often enough to keep this hater watching, that’s how often.

Let;s make soccer interesting by adding swords shall we?

Let’s make soccer more interesting by adding swords shall we?              TO THE DEATH!!

So I may have been wrong about the popularity of the sport but I at least will stay true to myself  by not jumping on the bandwagon and buying a incredibly unflattering crimson and gold sweatsuit in an attempt to claim my 1/2 Czech heritage.  And While we are on the subject of incredibly unfashionable sports attire, Why do soccer sweats make that weird swishy noise when you move? You would think the most popular sport in the world could pay the braniacs at NASA to invent a less noise polluting attire? How about a nice quiet fabric like organic cotton that breathes? Just putting that out there.

On that note, I wish all the fans a great World Cup and hope your teams win, whichever team that may be. But just know that I may or may not be praying that something really cool happens, like a UFO descending down onto the arena and abducts the goalie guy in highly dramatic fashion. Because my money is on the fact that right now, that guy isn’t doing shit.


P.S. My hilarious good friend James Kass at Chucklehutch.com wrote a funny related story today and you should check it out at :


It’s good stuff.





15 thoughts on “Why the 80’s Ruined My Soccer Career

    • I was married to a professional keeper a my past life. i have clocked more hours of soccer watching than most other Americans, and yes, i did get into the games. I found it more fun to watch live, but on tv…not happening. But it was ruined for me at an early age by lazy phys ed teachers who just threw us on a field with a ball and expected us to just figure it out. Soccer is running. Running hurts. Therefore Soccer is bad for me. Thanks for reading and your comment! Hope your team wins! 🙂

  1. Controversial! Its weird how the rest of the world finds American sports incredibly boring. I guess its a cultural thing but I maintain that American football and baseball seem to mainly consist of seconds of action followed by hours of guys standing around 🙂

    • thanks for reading and you comment! and yes, i am a horrible American for finding Baseball more boring than golf. I love my team but yet cannot watch a game on the Television without falling asleep before the first inning ends. As for football, the way we make up for all that standing around time is by giving so many points for a touchdown 🙂

  2. “But just know that I may or may not be praying that something really cool happens, like a UFO descending down onto the arena and abducts the goalie guy in highly dramatic fashion.”

    You can bet that if that happened, the fans would no doubt swarm up, World War Z style, and rip that sucker out of the sky. Sports fans in general are insane, but from what I’ve seen and read of soccer fans…they’re on a completely different level.

  3. I feel the same way! I absolutely love watching soccer, but I absolutely hate playing it. I heard that professional soccer players run up to 10 miles per game! I would rather run cross country (and let me tell you I do NOT like cross country) 😂😂😂

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