Survival Tips For ‘Merica Day

Ah Independence Day, the only day where it is totally acceptable to be drunk while playing with actual fire in a public setting. Need a pre-game plan to survive the day? Here are a few tid-bits to help you make it to July 5th with all of your original skin and dignity intact.  

Don’t light yourself on fire.

Self explanatory right? You would think, but we all have that neighbor/uncle/friend who always lights his Tommy Bahamas shirt on fire because who needs to let the professionals handle all those highly explosive sparkly things right?

BBQ is not a bonfire

Contrary to popular belief, cooking your hot dogs without 5 foot flames will actually still cook them.  We are not keeping the entire tribe warm in the Andes here, just serving up some protein to accompany the carbs. I know it sounds crazy but maybe cool it on the lighter fluid a smidge buddy.

Speaking of Carbs…

EAT LOTS AND LOTS OF CARBS. Eat them until your blood type is actually starch. Today and Thanksgiving are the two acceptable holidays to eat double your weight in delicious empty carbs. So go ahead and eat that tray of brownies wrapped in cookie dough, because you’ve earned it patriot!

We’re gonna need to drain the kiddie pool!

Avoid sitting anywhere near anyone who had more than 5 hot dogs and or burgers and a case of Pabst Blue Ribbon after 5 pm, just trust me on this one.

Well aren’t you festive!

Feeling like dressing up like a human flag today? Unless you spent $50 on your non-refundable Uncle Sam costume rental at the “Let’s make sure everyone notices me today” store, then lets keep it to a 2 item minimum mmkay?

  • Bedazzled Flag crop top and matching firework antenna headband?- We will accept it.
  • Old Glory bikini top and daisy dukes? -Only as long as you worked off last year’s tray of cupcakes with a marathon on July 5th.
  • However, if having to ask your wife if the stars and stripes board shorts, tank top , socks and face paint are too much? Then you already know your answer don’t cha Captain Matchy Matchy?
  • Thinking about unleashing your Land of the Free circa ’89 muscle T? – Unless you play professional volleyball, let’s leave that one in the drawer until your farmer’s tan finally evens out in late August.

    Hey guys, It's the gloves, they're too much aren't they?

    Hey guys, It’s the gloves, right? The gloves are what put it over the top, you can tell me.

Can’t we all just get along until after dessert is served?

Stuck next to your Uncle Dick who is still mad about his property tax increase from 1987 and is 5 beers in? Maybe today is a good day to steer clear of the following subjects:

  • Politics- including that sack of lies that was just elected president of your HOA.
  • War – there is no need to get into it over the heated boarder conflict between you and your neighbors petunia planter.
  • Religion – when will people ever learn that you should never perform a water baptism on a full stomach? #waterboarding

Cheers to all the weekend warriors who will take full advantage of the 3 day weekend by consuming  the average 4000 calories * of alcohol and delicious morsels that they can fit inside of a large cooler with one small bag of ice.

But one last tip before I go: Maybe eat the potato salad first before that ice melts to avoid what we like to call the “Great Grandma’s potato salad incident of ’91”.


* I totally made this up, so slow your kaiser rolls ya Snopes checkers!


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