I’m 45. I’m married. I used to not be married for a long time. And it was a dark and troubling time when it came to holiday table seating arrangements. Let me also say that I love children. Christmas in … Continue reading
After the endless wait, our beloved Walking Dead season 5 premier is finally here this week. With all that is hanging in the balance, why is it that all I can think about is the redneck elephant in the … Continue reading
My golden Retriever Bodhe is smarter than he looks. Let’s face it, he is more likely to be mistaken for Brad Pitt before a Harvard grad anytime soon. However, he has his moments of enlightenment and resembles a more hairy slobbery kind … Continue reading
Ah Independence Day, the only day where it is totally acceptable to be drunk while playing with actual fire in a public setting. Need a pre-game plan to survive the day? Here are a few tid-bits to help you make it to … Continue reading
Dear mouth breathers at Direct TV’s ad agency- Your puppet commercials are not only creepy but they are less funny than the total opposite of funny. They incite fits of rage in my house every time they are on, and … Continue reading
Dandelions are the weed we give a stay of execution to so that we can postpone weeding until they turn into those adorable fluffy white lollipops that are destined to suffer their dramatic explosive slo-motion death of Oliver Stone proportions. There is … Continue reading
I am a huge sports fan, but Soccer? Well..not so much. I grew up in the heart of the San Fernando Valley of Los Angeles where weekend games were played on every open patch of grass that was not already occupied … Continue reading
I’m not a good flyer…there, I’ve said it. Flying blows, and yet I get myself to do it several times a year through a series of ritualistic OCD behaviors I have developed that to allow me to survive the process without actually jumping from the … Continue reading
I am an animal magnet but not to be confused with a hoarder. I have two dogs, and a Horse and I find that to be more than enough legs for one woman to manage. Sunny Bear the Wonder Horse is my best friend and my dogs Bodhe and Tahoe are my babies. I have the biggest heart for all animals, well almost. All except snakes, because let’s be honest here, snakes are basically the Ass Holes of the animal kingdom.
But let’s not get it twisted here; I like animals in their proper place and not in places where you least expect to see them. Case in point, my office. This week a small tiny gray mouse has decided he is going all Cinderella on me and move in on my job like that Junior executive who is fresh out of college and wears argyle sweater vests and will work for pennies on the dollar. With no resume or even an interview, and armed only with his sneaky maneuvers, he just waltzes in like he owns the joint. I’m all for welcoming the office newbie, but not one who sneaks up under my chair to implement his hostile take-over.
It started on a Monday when I was at my desk minding my business (and by business I mean creating a new Internet radio station of my favorite Alt rockers called “The Indie-Ans In My Cupboard ”) when I thought I saw something kind of flutter across the floor of my office like a feather or maybe anything other than an uh, I don’t know…an RODENT! My immediate response was to not so much scream, but more of a chirp, like a really loud bird-like sound that only a very large macaw in a pair of navy chinos and sensible flats would make.
I jumped to my feet as he ran back into the office bathroom and disappeared under the heater thing that puts out hot air that smells like burnt dust bunnies. Oh goo! I’ve scared him back into his middle earth mice lair and he will never come back. Such a relief. Because at this point I’m pretty sure this is just a big misunderstanding and he just took a wrong turn and was totally embarrassed that he ended up in our totally non-mouse friendly place of business. Not unlike that time In Vegas when I ran into the men’s restroom in the MGM Grand. No harm, no foul, let’s all just move on okay?
Before I can even exhale, five minutes later, armed only with his arrogance and a flair for the dramatic he was back! And this time he wanted blood. In what I can only assume was an attempt to tie my shoe laces together or even possibly murder me, (in broad daylight mind you!) he crept all the way to my chair.
Right. Next. To. My. Chair.
As I shifted my seat, I startled him and there I saw and HEARD him run from directly beside me back out my office door. Gone. Pitter-patter-PEW! I proceeded to actually levitate and let out a cry that is still echoing in the northern Colorado foothills today, I lost all ability to function as a dutiful employee and was now a hysterical Loony Tunes character from the 50’s.
Racing to the hallway to see where this brazen beast had gone, there was nothing but a trail of wind where he had tore ass out of site, leaving nothing but my sheer panic in his dust. Speedy Gonzales is now retreated into the shadows and the darkest places in my brain. Lurking…waiting…planning his attack. The remainder of the day was spent stomping my feet loudly everywhere I walked to be sure to warn him I was coming and to dare not jump me. I figured if I kept moving it would throw him off his game. (and Yes I decided the gender of the mouse because even though I am terrified of him I can’t with my bleeding heart call him “it”)… and if he is anything like that spider that once had crawled on me in bed as a kid, I’m convinced he will be waiting for me until I have “proof of death”, his or mine (whomever’s comes first).
I needed a plan for the rest of the work week. Not sure if that plan consists of a Haz-Mat crew, A Swat Deployment, or hiring mercenary cats for a seek and destroy mission? There was no way I was going to be able to work knowing that little demon is lying in wait for me as I tried to be a productive employee. Nor was I looking forward to encountering a bloodied carcass on my way to refill my water bottle. Obviously we would put out a peanut butter trap for him, how can that not work? It would TOTALLY work on me. You put peanut butter on just about anything and you will have me crawling naked through a storm drain to get to it, so how would a mouse be any different? Is that too barbaric? Is PETA going to shame me for this? Then how about a broom and just gently sweep him out the door? Or get a butterfly net and catch him? Oh man, I am soooo not getting any sleep this week.
At approximately 4:57 am Tuesday morning, after a night of tossing and turning and contemplating my imminent death by a rodent the size of my thumb, I came up with a solution. I will bring my own protection to the office, not in the form of traps or poison, but fear. Good old fashioned I’m-scarier-than-you Fear! If I can make the enemy afraid to pass into my realm, then I can defeat him without bloodshed. All I need is to plant the fear of death into his tiny head so he can turn skinny tail and never dare return.
So I decided to bring my trusty brute squad to work with me and so far she is protecting me with her fierce fighting stance and ability to scare even the most ferocious of beasts with her big brown eyes and soft pink belly. Luckily one look at her sleeping belly up at my feet will surely terrify this menace and send him back to Mouse Town with a cautionary tale of the white wolf in suite A-202. *
*Mouse wars update- it has been two weeks and still no sight of the mouse. However, we did hear that he is now in our neighbor’s office next door. They also are now bringing their dog to work.